My boyfriend is smoking again. I hate the way he smells. It reminds me that my parents will die soon. I haven’t seen my boyfriend in a couple of days because of that.
I listen to Kate Nash’s debut album on repeat and pretend she’s singing about me. I listen to music on my computer instead of my record player. I tell myself I do this because it’s more convenient. And it is. But my boyfriend did spend sixty-five dollars on that record player and hundreds on vinyls. I waste a lot of money I don’t have.
I have been told that I am innovative but afraid to take risks. Bright but lazy. My boyfriend is the same way. Maybe that’s why we were attracted to each other. Maybe.
I’m embarrassed when I buy a gay porn magazine at a sketchy corner store. I am even more embarrassed when the cashier tells me that my card is declining. I sigh and put the magazine back. When I get home I see my boyfriend in my front lawn. He’s smoking. When he sees me he stomps it out. He asks me if I want to go to lunch and I tell him that I’m broke. He smiles and tells me I always am. His voice was condescending which annoyed me but I did not want to pick a fight. I let him take me out to lunch because I have to eat and he knows it.
He holds my hand. He feels cold and I feel sad. His smile makes me feel angry, but I have to eat. I notice he orders something rather expensive, so I do the same. When I order he winces a bit. This makes me confused. He must care about himself more than he cares about me. I don’t mind. I care about myself more than I care about him. When we wait for the food he talks to me about work. He doesn’t ask many questions, nor does he pause for reactions so my thoughts drift. I think about money and what I would do with it. I think about if I really want children; I look back at my boyfriend and decide that if I do want children, I do not want them with him.
When the food comes I eat quickly and tell him I have to continue looking for jobs. He tells me that he thought I was going to become a full time musician as my job. I laugh, but not as hard as I wanted to. I tell him that I really have to leave and I thank him for the meal. He kisses me goodbye and he tastes like tar. I feel sad again. He gives me twenty dollars and asks if I can pick him up a new notebook because he knows I like doing that type of thing. I don’t. But I tell him okay.
When I leave the diner I realise that he gave me twenty dollars because he knows I have to eat. I am thankful. I need his charity. I apply for a job at a concert venue. They need bartenders.
I walk back to the shady corner store and buy the gay porn magazine with his money. There is a different cashier, this makes me a bit less embarrassed. I walk home and feel like crying into my pillow. I put on a vinyl and lie in bed, thinking about my life. I feel sad. I was such a happy kid, with such big aspirations but now I’m sad and dating someone who makes me sad. But I have to eat."
Each rendition of Charlie and the chocolate factory has had a different moral
Book: candy is crazy cool
1970s movie: honesty is key
2005 movie: family is v important